That’s what everyone is asking. To be more specific, Karen’s teachers are amazed at the difference in her since last year. She has become more polite, less aggressive, and is actively working to repair relationships which she damaged in the past by her behavior. This according to Karen’s primary teacher. She and one other teacher attribute the changes to our work with a psychologist, who we began seeing September of this year. Before that, we were working with our adoption social worker, but by midsummer, it became obvious that Karen needed more professional intervention.
I also think that we, as parents, have made a difference. We work really hard to give positive feedback, and to be consistent with rules. It’s hard, and we make a lot of mistakes, but we do our best. Karen is such a joy to be with when she’s not being oppositional. She’s so warm and loving. She adores us, and Matan even more. Sure, they fight, and she can be pretty awful to him, but she loves him, and woe unto anyone who hurts him!
We’ve always had ups and downs with Karen. There have been other times when we’ve hoped her behavior issues are behind us. But all in all, some of what we see as bad think her bad behavior is behind us. Her teacher told us that although Karen has changed, people still see her as the “old” Karen, and it will take time for parents and some of the children to realize that she just isn’t the same child anymore.
She does still act out, but I’ve found that she is most likely to be difficult right after I pick her up from kindergarten. I think she works really hard to behave there, and once she’s with me, she needs to relax and let go of the pressure to self discipline so strongly. Maybe it’s a good thing that she feels able to regress with me. She usually snaps out of it once she’s had some time to relax, or engage in another activity like her gymnastics class.
a twice-told tale 
Lita,
I am so happy to hear that Karen is doing so well! And you are right maybe her gymnastics might be a great way to channel her energy. It really does feel like good things are happening for her. It’s quite a turnaround from just two months ago.
I am very happy for all of you that you are going through a good period now, you really had some hard months and it is great to see, first of all that the therapy is paying off and that Karen seems to be in the throes of some positive steps forward. Yo must be so proud of her.
I think with kids, whether they are typical or have issues, like a lot of things, they go in waves. You have good periods followed by more difficult periods. It’s so important to bask in the good periods as they help you to be able to cope with the more difficult periods. I have no idea where Karen is headed or if this ODD is behind her or not, but if I can offer you some unsolicited advice, it would be this. Use this experience, let it help guide you. You see that Karen is doing very well right now, be proud of her and celebrate it so that if things were to turn difficult again, you can draw on this period to give you strength and hope that even in the dark periods, things can turn around.
Dana, you are so right about things going in waves. During the four years we’ve had Karen with us, we have always had hard times, but they were interspersed with periods of relative calm, and usually the most difficult times give way to the new development and helps her balance out as a human being. She will always be emotional, hyper-sensitive and have a need to be the best. None of those are necessarily bad personality traits, she just needs to learn the best way to channel them positively.
You are right about the gymnastics, on two levels. First, there is the benefit of channeling her energy into something she enjoys. But maybe more than that, she now feels she excels, and that is what keeps her interested, in my opinion. We always like what we’re good at. I was never good at sports, and always hated phys ed.
From my perspective, I’m happy to have her find something that gives her personal satisfaction and builds her normally shaky self image.
I am using this time to build a stronger relationship with her. I’m not working now, and don’t have firm plans to return to the workforce this year. I really feel like some of the time we spend alone together is also important during this time. I pick her up early twice a week so we have time together, alone, without her brother. Funny thing is she often makes references to the fact that she wishes he was here. While she exhibits occasional jealousy, mostly she sees him as part playmate, part toy, part son – yes, I think at times she’d like to be his mother.
I have bits and pieces of a post written up from various ideas that came up after reading some of your recent blog posts, but just can’t seem to get it right. Kind of stuck at the moment, and posts don’t seem to flow naturally.
Lita, this is wonderful news! It is so heartening to hear that she is doing so much better. Surely it has a lot to do with your excellent parenting and her growing up a bit more, too.